Stupid Vampire
A Screenplay by bismala
INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON
Rude Architect MR. ARIYAN AWAN is arguing with blunt architect ZIMAL ZAHID. ARIYAN tries to hug ZAHID but she shakes him off.
Please , don't leave me.
I'm sorry Ariyan, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
ZAHID frowns.
I'm sorry, Ariyan. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ZAHID leaves.
ARIYAN sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, beautiful Asistant MISS ZARA ZAHID barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Zara! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire destroy a bunch of children!
Defenseless children?
Yes, defenseless children!
Bloomin' heck, Zara! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
ZARA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Zara, focus! Where did it happen?
A greasy diner! That's right - A greasy diner!
ARIYAN springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ARIYAN rushes along the street, followed by ZARA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A GREASY DINER - SHORTLY AFTER
JENNY WU a stupid vampire terrorises two children.
ARIYAN, closely followed by ZARA, rushes towards JENNY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old vampire, that's Jenny Wu!
Who's Jenny Wu?
Who's Jenny Wu? Who's Jenny Wu? Only the most stupid vampire in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Ariyan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid vampire in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Ariyan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid vampire in the universe!
I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.
Jenny turns and sees Ariyan and Zara. She grins an evil grin.
Ariyan Awan, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ARIYAN is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees JENNY. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some chocolate?
ARIYAN's eyes light up, but then he studies JENNY more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of stupid.
Me? No. I'm not stupid. I'm the least stupid vampire in the world.
Wait, you're a vampire?
ARIYAN runs away, screaming.
EXT. A GREASY DINER - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To ARIYAN) You ran away?
(To ZARA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ARIYAN turns to JENNY.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ARIYAN runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
ARIYAN and ZARA walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.
You know nothing Zara Zahid.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, JENNY appears, holding a pair of pistols.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Ariyan, she's got your pistols.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I'm afraid of dust.
(appalled) Dude!
While JENNY is looking at ZARA with disgust, ARIYAN lunges forward and grabs his deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you stupid sprout!
No please! All I did was destroy a bunch of children!
ZAHID enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Ariyan Awan defender of innocent children.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!
Because Ariyan, I am your mother.
ARIYAN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
JENNY tries to grab the pistols but ARIYAN dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, JENNY slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.
ARIYAN crouches over JENNY's body.
Be careful, Ariyan. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jenny Wu is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
ZARA claps her hands.
So your pistols did save the day, after all.
ZAHID steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the stupid vampire?
how long have you been...?
ZAHID puts her arm around ARIYAN.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jenny Wu.
Then the children are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The children bow to ARIYAN.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Jenny Wu will never destroy children ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes ARIYAN a magic necklace
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
ARIYAN takes the necklace.
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
ARIYAN turns to ZAHID.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Ariyan, of course I want you back!
ARIYAN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Zara.
ZARA grins.
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Ariyan?
I'm sorry , but I think you should skidaddle.
ZAHID leaves.
ZARA turns to ARIYAN.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ZARA stops.
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
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